Sometimes I have these grand epiphanies about myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’m still single and I realized I was under the mistaken impression that I’m low maintenance.
I’m not low maintenance at all.
Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not the stereotypical idea of “high maintenance” girlfriend. I’m easy going. I don’t need grand gestures of affection. I don’t define myself by the person I’m with. Basically, I’m not a “everything needs to be about ME ME ME” bitch.
But being with me is a tremendous amount of effort and here’s why:
- I don’t talk about what’s bothering me so understanding me is like trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube while drunk on $2 shooters with an LSD chaser (just go with my random analogies, ok?). Instead, I’ll stew and overthink and just let it balloon in this giant ball of resentment of “OMG WHY DON’T YOU GET IT?!”.
- I don’t ask for what I need. This is stupid, I know. But I have this delusion that asking for things 1) makes me needy and I’m terrified of appearing needy and 2) makes the thing I’m asking for less meaningful because damn it you should just know. Because boys should be psychic.Duh.
- I don’t stand up for myself. This is mostly because I trivialize everything I think and feel and convince myself I’m being ridiculous for feeling anything but also because I hate confrontation and standing up for myself is effort. And if there’s one thing a guy loves, it’s a girl who has no fire and spunk.
- I’m insecure. Stupidly almost to the point of being completely incapacitated by it insecure. Nothing sexier than that, AMIRITE?!
I need a guy who is willing to navigate the sea of issues I swim in and overcome all these obstacles I present. One who will make me comfortable owning up to my bullshit. One who doesn’t make me feel like a worthless mess. One who makes me feel like a partner instead of the one who feels like she has to constantly gives up everything and do all the work.
In short, I need a guy who makes me believe I’m worth the effort but at the same time makes me fight to be somebody better. And therein lies the problem because, even if that guy exists, I still think I’m asking for too much.
I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.
— Kathleen Kelly, You’ve Got Mail (via jeremy-atticus)
I may be guilty and feel full of holes but I can still say a few things — I love you more than any human being, any anything. To lose you seems worse than death but that is what I must prepare myself to do. The hardest part was our closeness, our deep and lasting relationship, our bonds of confidences. I feel I have failed you and yet I didn’t mean so. And I can’t explain — maybe never can I explain.
- if you don’t like your name don’t use it.
- scream at the sky, whisper secrets to the ocean, hold hands with clouds. the world is yours if you want it to be.
- do things that make you nervous and let the feeling consume you until you feel scared and alive and want to throw up.
- don’t worry about falling in love.
- pick flowers whenever you see them and leave them wherever you go.
- kiss all the things that make you happy and all the things that make you sad, kiss everything that makes you feel anything.
- weave stars into your clothes and always remember that you came from them and will go back to them again someday.
- never empty your pockets.
- light dead flowers on fire when you’re feeling sad, let their smell fill your lungs and make you forget about life.
- diet coca cola will make your head spin and your throat burn, drink it when you’re feeling like things are going to get bad.
- if a boy with pretty eyes asks you who you are, show him your scars and your freckles and your bruises and let him know that you are alive.
- the best people have electricity running through their veins and around their hearts, let them shock you.
- forget how old you are, it does not matter.
- if something or someone makes you want to run then do it, run until your legs go numb and your heart is about to explode and you forget how to breathe.
- when the world is asleep make the night your friend and you will become invincible.
- get lost in another city and don’t ask for directions.
- cry if you want to, but try not to drown in your tears.
- do not be afraid of the sight of blood or the sound of bones snapping or the smell of hospital beds.
- race the moon while you’re driving until you’re going faster than the speed of light.
- never sit still.
- if you don’t like your name don’t use it.
I’m trying to find a way to be free without giving up. I’m trying to live in the moment, to stop chasing and being hurt over your choices. The Twitter thing last night hurt me badly and that was half because of your reaction. When I’m already feeling shut out and unwanted and not special, shutting me out further just makes me crack.
I am trying to be open, to be patient, to be kind and loving without being a doormat. I’m trying to make a list of things I want in a relationship that are basic needs for me.
- to feel special
- to hear your voice, if not daily, then nearly
- to be intimate
- affection and sweetness
- to have time spent on just me, not divided with everyone else. Not even a long time, even just 30 minutes of quality time with only me.
- to be able to talk about our relationship and my feelings.
I want to be able to have my feelings, the whole spectrum of them, and to feel safe. I want to be able to share and talk. I want to be seen as a good person, because I am. I don’t want to be told who I am.
I’m trying to let go and trust that if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I’m trying to stay positive and strong and alive and beautiful, because that is who I am. I don’t know how to stop thinking of you, I don’t know how to stop analyzing our relationship and trying to figure out what to do about it. I don’t know how to let go of being yours.
But I’m trying. I’m trying to focus on the present and me and my choices. You make yours. And I will make mine. If you really want to be with me, if you really want to grow with me, if you really love me like you said you do, you’ll make choices to reflect that.
If I support you and encourage you and love you, I will make choices to reflect that too. But both of us have to make the choices to take care of ourselves. You are already doing that. I need to start.