I may be guilty and feel full of holes but I can still say a few things — I love you more than any human being, any anything. To lose you seems worse than death but that is what I must prepare myself to do. The hardest part was our closeness, our deep and lasting relationship, our bonds of confidences. I feel I have failed you and yet I didn’t mean so. And I can’t explain — maybe never can I explain.
- if you don’t like your name don’t use it.
- scream at the sky, whisper secrets to the ocean, hold hands with clouds. the world is yours if you want it to be.
- do things that make you nervous and let the feeling consume you until you feel scared and alive and want to throw up.
- don’t worry about falling in love.
- pick flowers whenever you see them and leave them wherever you go.
- kiss all the things that make you happy and all the things that make you sad, kiss everything that makes you feel anything.
- weave stars into your clothes and always remember that you came from them and will go back to them again someday.
- never empty your pockets.
- light dead flowers on fire when you’re feeling sad, let their smell fill your lungs and make you forget about life.
- diet coca cola will make your head spin and your throat burn, drink it when you’re feeling like things are going to get bad.
- if a boy with pretty eyes asks you who you are, show him your scars and your freckles and your bruises and let him know that you are alive.
- the best people have electricity running through their veins and around their hearts, let them shock you.
- forget how old you are, it does not matter.
- if something or someone makes you want to run then do it, run until your legs go numb and your heart is about to explode and you forget how to breathe.
- when the world is asleep make the night your friend and you will become invincible.
- get lost in another city and don’t ask for directions.
- cry if you want to, but try not to drown in your tears.
- do not be afraid of the sight of blood or the sound of bones snapping or the smell of hospital beds.
- race the moon while you’re driving until you’re going faster than the speed of light.
- never sit still.
- if you don’t like your name don’t use it.
I’m trying to find a way to be free without giving up. I’m trying to live in the moment, to stop chasing and being hurt over your choices. The Twitter thing last night hurt me badly and that was half because of your reaction. When I’m already feeling shut out and unwanted and not special, shutting me out further just makes me crack.
I am trying to be open, to be patient, to be kind and loving without being a doormat. I’m trying to make a list of things I want in a relationship that are basic needs for me.
- to feel special
- to hear your voice, if not daily, then nearly
- to be intimate
- affection and sweetness
- to have time spent on just me, not divided with everyone else. Not even a long time, even just 30 minutes of quality time with only me.
- to be able to talk about our relationship and my feelings.
I want to be able to have my feelings, the whole spectrum of them, and to feel safe. I want to be able to share and talk. I want to be seen as a good person, because I am. I don’t want to be told who I am.
I’m trying to let go and trust that if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I’m trying to stay positive and strong and alive and beautiful, because that is who I am. I don’t know how to stop thinking of you, I don’t know how to stop analyzing our relationship and trying to figure out what to do about it. I don’t know how to let go of being yours.
But I’m trying. I’m trying to focus on the present and me and my choices. You make yours. And I will make mine. If you really want to be with me, if you really want to grow with me, if you really love me like you said you do, you’ll make choices to reflect that.
If I support you and encourage you and love you, I will make choices to reflect that too. But both of us have to make the choices to take care of ourselves. You are already doing that. I need to start.
I wish I’d known. But I can’t regret you, how could I ever? I just wish I could stop caring now.
Do you understand? You lied to me. Two weeks ago you said you were going to work on things, three specific things. Being affection, being sexual, and communicating. I was willing to give those things time but you said it would be immediate. You said you were going to spend less time with others so you could spend more time with me. You said you were going to only spend 2 hours a day on SL.
You texted me when you first woke up for about….5 days, maybe, so that was nice for a bit. You never were more affectionate or sexual. I tried twice to open that door and got shut down both times. You get on SL as soon as you wake up and you are on ALL day. You tell me that just because you’re on, you’re not talking to people…and, really? Do you think I am that STUPID? Why are you on then? There’s no point otherwise. I haven’t heard your voice in weeks and I can’t even remember the last time we were affectionate or intimate.
You tell me you’re barely talking to anyone, but that you had a 3 hour fight with him. You tell me about all the conversations you’re having with various people. You contradict yourself and then wonder why I’m hurt. I KNOW you’re busy during the day. I don’t ask for your time then. But once it’s bedtime, why aren’t you talking and sharing and hanging out with me? The answer I see is that other people and other things are more important.
I am not so demanding. I ask for very little. Yes, I want you to focus on talking to me because not only is that what you SAID you would do, but because we are supposed to be working on US. And yet you choose, night after night, to focus your energy on other people and things. And you don’t communicate to me about it, which makes it worse. You keep me so in the dark and set off to the side. I deserve more than that.
You told me things and I believed you. I thought you really meant them. If you didn’t have the time or the energy to follow through on them, then you should have told me and talked about it with me, so I could adjust my expectations. But you say you’re going to do things and then you don’t do them and then you get upset with me for being unhappy about that. I never know what’s going on and you make me feel like I’m just your acquaintance.
If you only have 10 minutes a day for me, then use them to make me feel special. It doesn’t take much. It’s pathetic how little you would have to do to make me feel happy and safe and filled. A few words, a post, a quick phone call. But you’re too fucking wrapped up in other people and too fucking stubborn. You use the excuse that it won’t be enough anyway, so you’re not going to bother. That’s a great plan. Do nothing.
You say you miss me, but I don’t believe it. You miss the habit of me. You stopped being in love with me a while ago. You just love me and that’s not the same. And you’re choosing to invest your energy in this shitbag, this selfish, pretentious jackass. You keep finding these guys who are horrible and stupid and falling for them and just letting them treat you like dirt. I can’t respect you for that.
I keep hoping you’re going to text me or IM me and actually try to make this work. But I’m the stupid one there. If you haven’t done it in all this time, why would you start now? Your life is probably so much easier and happier without me.
You were perfect. You are perfect. I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you and I can’t imagine the rest of my life without you. But I can’t live any longer being so empty, so worthless to you. If you miss me, do something about it. If you really love me, don’t lie to me.
I wish I could just forget about you and move on. But you are everywhere I look, every song that I hear, every thought in my head is wrapped around you. But it doesn’t matter. You lied.